It’s been two months. Two months since my wild and crazy Caster curmudgeon left this world. I can’t believe it’s been that long, yet sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. The first month or so was especially hard. While I managed to remain a functioning member of society, I always felt that at any moment it would all come crumbling down. Sometimes it did. Little things, sometimes out of nowhere, would send me into a puddle of tears. I struggled a lot with the Catch 22 of trying not to think about Caster because it hurt too badly but also only wanting to think about him because I missed him and wanted him back home.
A week or so after his death, a friend of Bobby’s posted on Facebook about a little kitten that followed his wife home that day. The picture he shared looked almost just like a little baby Caster. Bobby and I couldn’t resist. We had to go meet him. We got to his friend’s house, and while the kitten was extremely adorable and sweet, I immediately knew it was a mistake. Though the kitten resembled Caster, he wasn’t him. All I could think was how I didn’t want THIS kitten… I wanted CASTER! He would make a very awesome cat for someone, but not us. I just wasn’t ready. I’m still not and probably won’t be for a long time.
I haven’t been the only one struggling. Raddy took Caster’s loss particularly hard. They were best buds, almost always together. Raddy is a very shy and reserved cat, and since Caster’s illness last November, he had also become a bit more unsure of himself and reserved. I think it was because of his impaired vision. Anyway, the two of them became shy, hideout buddies, often hanging out back in our master bedroom together. After Caster died, Raddy kept searching for him. For the first week or two, we would find Raddy back in our bedroom crying out in distress, frantically searching around for Caster. It was absolutely heartbreaking.
Now, two months later, I think we’ve all adjusted to our new normal. I no longer automatically look for Caster at meal time. I can look at a picture of Caster without dissolving into a puddle. I’ve gotten used to the daily head counts only coming up at 6, rather than 7. In fact, I can now tell people that we have 6 cats (for the first few weeks, I would still say that we had 7 – I couldn’t bring myself to say 6). Raddy has settled down too, and I am finding that my bad days/moments are fewer and further between. Which brings all new emotional problems…
For me, moving forward and moving on has come with a sense of guilt and fear. Guilt for feeling like I’m letting go, and fear of letting go and forgetting. Just last week I realized that it had been about a week since I’d had a Caster-related emotional upset. Which then sent me into a Caster-related emotional upset. Through my tears, I managed to tell Bobby that I was afraid I was forgetting Caster because it had been so long since I had been upset over his loss. I was heartbroken because I wasn’t consistently feeling heartbroken anymore. I know… ridiculous and crazy.
Obviously I don’t want to live in a constant state of heartache. I know that moving on from the grief is necessary, and it seems to be happening naturally, which is a good thing. I just haven’t found that comfortable balance of letting go of the heartbreak while not feeling like I’m letting go of Caster. It will come, I’m sure. It’s just going to take some more time.
For my birthday last week, I celebrated by getting something special for myself.
It’s a tattoo of Caster’s paw print. Now he will always be with me.
I promise (I think) that this will be the last emotionally dramatic post about Caster. I usually try to keep our blog light-hearted and happy, but it has been nice to have an outlet to get all my feelings out. So thanks for reading 🙂
Going forward, you can expect more posts about our fun fall adventures. Plus, we’ll be having a pretty big Sleepypod giveaway soon… 🙂 Happy things, I promise!
Eastside Cats says
That tat is fantastic! Grief is a bizarre thing…it ignores you, then it whaps you in the face! You’ll never forget Angel Caster, and you must keep on keeping on. You aren’t ignoring him if you go a while without remembering him; you are adjusting. Remember, he’s free now…that old body wasn’t doing it anymore. Hugs and purrs to you.
Meezer'sMews&TerrieristicalWoofs says
Sending big hugs your way as you work through all those feelings and thoughts and memories. That is cool to have his pawprint with you forever like that.
(( ♥ ))
Allison Frederick says
This post is beautiful. It expresses exactly how I felt when I lost my angel cat Lucy. You are not alone. Thank you sharing your journey of grief.
Pam says
I totally understand – believe me. Sammy was our only cat and when he died it was beyond our “grief expectation” – the depression we both felt was in orbit. I never thought we’d recover even though of course we’d lost cats before Sam but Sam was different in every way. We realized within two months that not having a cat was not going to work for us – we both needed an outlet for that KIND of love. That’s when we found Teddy at the same shelter where we had adopted Sammy 16 years before. I’m glad that things are coming to a “new normal” at your house – it’s such an incredibly HUGE change when one leaves us and for you guys with it being so unexpected with Angel Caster even moreso. Love the paw print tattoo. We never forget them but every time you see that tattoo you will smile………
Hugs, Pam and Teddy too
Mary McNeil says
My Father died Sept 27, 1957. I was 11 years old, I don’t think about him every day, but if you think I have forgotten him, you would be sadly mistaken. So do not fear that you will ever forget dear Caster – or any of your other loved ones.
da tabbies o trout towne says
Emily: there’s no set of rules on grief; regardless of whom you are grieving for. If it takes 9 weeks or 9 months or 9 years; you grieve at your own pace and in your own way….the saddest thing about grief is you have to go through it, to get past it, and ultimately unless you DO go through it, you can’t really get PAST it. I saw a video of our second bulldog Jacob, who’s been gone for YEARS and bawled like a baby. Don’t be so hard on yourself in the thinking that you’ve “forgotten” him because you never will; that’s a promise, and the “guilt” part is something we all go through, regardless if it’s a person or pet; that’s a promise too. Caster thinks your tattoo’s totally awesome and I know he’s happy. And when you and Bobby are ready; caster will make sure he sends the right someone your way ~~~~ ♥♥♥
The Island Cats says
I can’t tell you how much I relate to this. It’s been 8 months since I lost Wally and sometimes the pain is still unbearable. It still hurts to look at his photos. I miss him that much. So I know how you are feeling….you are not alone. Sending you a warm hug. ~Sue
Kitties Blue says
My dearest friend, I know how much you are suffering. It is a fine balance between not forgetting and letting go. I am happy Raddy is doing better. I know Giulietta still has not gotten over losing Fiona. Maybe it has been harder for her as the two were siblings. I love your little paw print…you will always have a personal reminder of sweet Caster. Tom, I and all the kitties here are sending lots of love, hugs and purrs to you, Bobby and all the gang. Astrid is sending Sampy all her love and bazillions of kisses. ????, Janet
Ellen Pilch says
I feel so bad for Raddy. I hope he can bond with another kitty. I love the tattoo, such a sweet way to have Caster with you. I am sure his spirit is always with you. XO
Summer says
We all have our own ways of processing grief, kitties and humans. I’m glad you shared all your journey with Caster with us, his life, his illness, and his passing. Lots of purrs to you.
Brian Frum says
We do totally, totally understand. It’s normal and you normal is not different. The Dad still cries every once in a while when he remembers my Brother Ivan and that was 10 years ago next month. Hugs from all of your friends here.
meowmeowmans says
Thank you so much for sharing about how you are all doing since Caster’s passing, dear friends. There is definitely no “normal” when it comes to grieving the loss of a beloved family member. We still get teary sometimes when we think of Zoe, Moosey, Sammy, and other cats we’re been blessed by. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
mommakatandherbearcat says
We’re your friends and we love you when you’re light-hearted as well as when you’re sad. I wish I had some bit of comfort to offer because I have no doubt you’re acutely feeling Caster’s loss. When I lost Kitty, I didn’t have a blog and I realized by the time that I started one that many of my memories of her were gone. Caster lives on in your blog and the people you touch. Not as great as having him there with you – but still pretty cool.
Jessa says
Sorry for the loss. I am sure you won’t forget Caster’s memories. Mine was struggling even he is using a cat asthma inhaler but I will try my best to give him some love.
The Swiss Cats says
Grief is so personal : everyone follow his own path at his own rythm ; there is no “right” or “wrong” thing to do. We totally understand, and we’re thinking of you. Purrs and hugs
192.168.l.l says
Aw~ That tattoo is a great idea~