It’s been five days. Five days since my sweet, Caster curmudgeon left this world. I still keep hoping that I will wake up and realize the last week has been one big nightmare. I don’t want to accept that he really is gone forever. I know I need to, but I really don’t want to. Can I just see him one more time? Can I please just snuggle with him one last time?
It’s hard to understand how everything around me just keeps going. The world keeps moving like nothing happened. My world feels like it’s come to a screeching halt, and I want to yell at everyone around me to just STOP. Don’t you understand that Caster is gone?! How can you just keep going about your business like there’s nothing wrong?! Can’t you see that everything is crumbling?! I know that’s irrational. Obviously no one is going to know or even care. Obviously the world will keep going. Obviously I have to keep going.
I’m feeling such a strong mix of heartache and anger. I’m angry that he’s gone. I’m angry that I don’t get to see him again. I’m angry that his life was cut short. He was only 6 – I should have had at least 10 more years with him. I’m angry that nobody ever figured out what was wrong with him. Maybe if his mystery illness had been solved, he would still be here. I’m heartbroken for all the same reasons. There’s such a fine line between sadness and anger, and I seem to keep crossing it, back and forth.
I try to distract myself with work and other tasks because thinking of Caster hurts so badly. But at the same time, I never want to stop thinking about him. I’m so afraid that my memories and love will fade as time goes by, so I keep trying to remember everything. I have a little notebook that I keep writing down any Caster memory that comes to mind. There are so many. He was such a big and vibrant personality.
Here are a few of my favorites memories:
His gotcha day – I’ll never forget the day I found him in the woods behind our old apartment. I woke up to the sound of a cat crying, so I got up, went outside, and followed the cries until I laid eyes on Caster. As soon as he saw me, his eyes got really big, I knelt down, and he jumped into my arms. It was meant to be.
Climbing the door frames – all of our door frames have scratch marks all the way down them because he would run and jump up them, then slide down them like a fireman on a fire pole.
Body slamming doors – he hated closed doors. If he wanted into a room that was closed off, he would body slam it full force. It always sounded like a football player ramming into the door.
Best friend to the boys – Caster was best friends with Kylo Ren and Raddy. Kylo Ren in particular really looked up to Caster when Kylo first joined the family. He would follow Caster around and copy everything he did. He was a literal copy cat.
His roar – Caster didn’t meow. He roared. It’s hard to describe his vocalizations, and I so wish I had a recording of them. He had the cutest little roar. What I would give to hear it again…
That time he beat Sampson at the yearly Easter egg hunt – Sampson has always been the egg hunt champ, but a couple years ago, Caster beat him out by one egg.
His love of coffee – I’m not a coffee drinker, but Bobby is. He had to be careful about leaving a coffee cup unattended though because Caster would find it and start drinking it. He didn’t drink any other human drinks – just coffee. Bobby and I always found this to be so hilarious. (I know cats shouldn’t drink coffee – we never allowed him to have more than a lick.)
His cuddliness – Caster has never been a lap cat. For many years, the only time he would ever cuddle was on rare occasion at night, under cover of darkness. As he got older, he became cuddlier though and got to where he would sleep curled up between my legs almost every night. A few days before he left us, he jumped up on the couch with me and took a nap on my stomach. He had never actually laid ON me before. Beside me or between my legs, yes, but never on me.
For those who are wondering, Caster came down with an unknown illness back in November of last year. He stopped eating, became lethargic, and was hypothermic. He also started losing his vision and was diagnosed with chorioretinitis. Chorioretinitis is a secondary condition though, caused by some other underlying issue. After weeks of vet visits and tests, nobody was able to figure out the underlying cause of all his issues. Long story short, our vet prescribed prednisolone and Caster slowly but surely recovered.
Though he never quite regained his former confidence, he’d been doing well. In fact, Bobby and I were commenting just last week that Caster was looking better than he ever has since he was sick. Then last Tuesday, Caster didn’t eat. Not wanting to take any chances considering his weird health history, we were at the vet on Wednesday. They did a physical exam, blood work, and a urinalysis – all came back normal. The vet gave Caster some fluids and sent us home. Over the next couple days, things went from bad to worse.
We were at the vet as soon as they opened on Friday morning. Caster’s temperature was so low it didn’t even register on the thermometer. They put him under some heated blanket thing called an Equator, and tried to do more tests. He wasn’t cooperating though, so they had to give him a very mild sedative. They did some other kind of blood test and took X-rays. Again, inconclusive. They gave him more fluids and a steroid injection since the steroids helped so much last time. They also prescribed more steroids for us to administer at home.
We set Caster up under a heating pad as soon as we got home. After 4 hours though, he was still hypothermic and never really woke up from the sedative. He was in obvious discomfort. He was showing no signs of improvement or change or of even coming back around, even after hours of trying to heat him up, fluids, and the steroid injection. Our vet also agreed that even if he did recover, the prognosis was most likely not good. Both vets thought that Caster likely had some bizarre auto-immune disorder. They threw out a couple of names, but I don’t even remember what they were. All I know is that my sweet boy was suffering, and there didn’t appear to be an end in sight. Whatever he experienced back in November returned with a vengeance, and his little body wasn’t able to fight it off this time. We decided it was best to have the vet help Caster the rest of the way over the Rainbow Bridge.
I’m grateful for our vet and his staff. They tried so hard and did everything they could. Caster just couldn’t be saved this time. Whatever he had, it came on fast. It blind-sided us. I know the pain will eventually subside. I know things will eventually go back to “normal.” Or whatever our new normal will be, at least. Things will never be the same though. I still can’t believe it’s real.
How long will it be before I stop looking for him at meal time? Before I stop picking up his bowl to feed him? Before I stop looking for him when I walk in the door? Before I stop expecting him to walk around the corner and let out his signature roar? I don’t know. All I know is Caster is gone, and my heart is broken.
Caster
aka Mudgey, Mudge Man, Little Mudge
January 11, 2013 – August 23, 2019
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.
—————————————————————–
Godspeed your journey to heaven Caster; we are truly sorry. We send tons of hugs and loves to mom and dad; we understand what they are going through and we are sorry for that as well. We
are happy to have known you, will always call you friend, and we will never forget you. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
=^,,^= tuna, mackerull, dai$y, dude, sauce and boomer ~~~~~~~~~
I cannot believe I am reading this, I am shocked. I remember his mysterious illness from last year. I am so deeply sorry for your loss, he had such a lively funny purrsonality and beautifully expressive eyes. Take comfort in the wonderful life he had with you and that he was fiercely loved by his family. Sending love, hugs and comforting purrs during this difficult time. Run free sweet Caster.xx
We are heartbroken at this news, Your pain may become less intense with time but you can be sure the memories and the love will NEVER fade.
Purrs of comfort to you and your husband.
Fly free, sweet Caster and may you find rest in the gentle paws of the Great Cat in the Sky.
I have tears streaming down my face as I read this. Emily, I am so sorry to hear about Caster. I know you loved him and would have done anything for him. I read your words, I feel your pain. I could have written those same words when I lost Wally. Sending you a big hug…I wish I could do more to help ease your sadness.
Oh sweet Caster. We are so very very sorry. Please know we are sending lots of purrs your direction.
My dearest Emily and Bobby, My heart breaks for you as I write through tears. I know the pain of losing a young cat, especially one that is so beloved. Please accept Tom’s and my condolences, love and prayers. I am rather speechless and wish I could just be with you to hold your hand and hug you. I loved seeing all the photos of your handsome Caster and reading your memories, many of which you have shared in the past. If there was a magic spell or wand that would take your grief and pain away, I would use it. An there are no words to heal you. Please, just know that I understand and am here for you if you want to talk. Caster was so fortunate that you found him in the woods that day and that he had such a wondeful (though much too short) life with a loving family. All my love, Janet
We are so sorry to read about Caster ! Several years ago we lost Newky (for New Kitty) at about the same age – no diagnosis was ever made. At the end, his eyes were unequally dilated, his mouth didn’t close right – they tested for everything from calici to FIP. We know how hard this is, and are sending purrayers and POTP ro you and all his mates . He got to experience some adventures, and lots and lots of love ! He will be so missed ! espeially by Kylo !
I am so so sorry about Caster. It is so hard to lose our animals. You sure did everythink you could have for Caster. It just wasn’t meant to be. Just treasure all those memories. He was very lucky to have had you.
I am so sorry for the loss of your handsome boy. This was such a beautiful tribute to Caster. It is unfair that you had so little time with him. XO
We are so sorry to hear about Caster. The Mom still grieves for Whiskers (lost to kidney failure in 2007 because of the pet food recall) and Socks (lost to cancer of the jaw), and still tells us about them. She says the pain of losing Caster will lessen one day but that you will never forget him or the love you had for one another. Purrs of comfort and paws of sympathy from all of us here at ATCAD
Oh no! I’m so very sorry for your loss. This breaks my heart. He was a beautiful and sweet boy. Rest In Peace, sweet Caster. We’ll all miss you.
Emily and Bobby, we are so sorry to hear about Caster. Please know that we feel your pain and share your loss. May your memories of him bring you comfort.
I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. It does get better even though there is always an emptiness in your heart. Prayers for you all.
Reading this tears at my heart & soul..we lost our #AB pup in Jan at just under 3 yrs, so suddenly, within 3 hours she was gone..but my 5 meowsers are my heart, my life savers, my sanity..I am so so sorry, you all as well as Caster, are in my ????
I’m so sorry to hear this, my heart breaks for you all. Thank you so much for sharing Caster with us. This is a beautiful tribute ❤️
I am so sorry to hear about Caster. I had no idea. I know your heart is breaking. Please know my thoughts are with you.
Do you mind if we use one of your photos to post a memory graphic on the cat blogosphere?
I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you during this difficult time.
Oh I’m so very sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. Caster was a lovely boy. You should have had many more years together, it’s so sad that wasn’t the plan. Sending purrs of comfort.
I’m hear to pay my respects to Catster. *bows head* TW is glad to have met him at Blogpaws. I’m sending comforting purrz in memory of your boy. What a sad post and tribute on this Rainbow Bridge Remembrance Day. Thank you for sharing him with us.
I am so sorry for your loss. This was a beautiful tribute to Caster. RIP, sweet boy.
It is simply unfair.
My heart goes out to you and my eyes leak for you..
The love of a cranky ol man cat is a special thing (especially when they aren’t that old)
I am so sorry to hear this. I can’t even imagine how powerless it felt and how frustrating it was for you! Now he has perfect sight and can be the adventure cat extraordinaire over the rainbow bridge – showing all the other angel cats exactly what cats are capable of. It’s so incredibly not fair – he was so young – and not having answers will haunt you even though knowing the answers wouldn’t change the final outcome. You have our love and prayers. It’s not the same as bringing him back – but I hope it’s something.
I’m so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful fur baby and I’m very glad he found you and claimed you as his family. Purrs and prayers for your broken heart to heal.
Oh Emily, I am so sorry. I feel your pain. I know every loss is different but some just leave a gaping hole in your life. Caster was a special cat, and you did everything you could for him, including not letting him suffer, which is the most loving and painful thing one can do. Sending you love and healing purrs.
We did not know Caster, sadly, but read about his loss and wanted to send a few words of comfort. This is such a beautiful post about a truly well-loved cat. We share your pain and understand it all too well, having lost own Bibi in May. after months of illness, The pain just seems impossible and unstoppable.
Sending Purrs, Woofs, Neighs and Hugs,
Everyone at The Poupounette
We are beyond heartbroken for you. It’s horrible when vets can’t figure out what’s going on with a kitty (the vets are really upset about it too, they have told my human). Such a tragic loss – Caster was truly a special guy. Kitties are all unique, but I think he was uniquer than most. Lots and lots of purrs to you.
I am so saddened to hear about your sweet Caster.
He was such a special little sweetheart.
Sending tons of hugs and love to you at this difficult time.
(We made a Memorial Card to honor his memory, It is posted to your FB page…)
It will be on our next blog post too…
I am so very sorry to hear about dear sweet Caster. I know there are no words to help so we all send love and hugs your way. I too am glad to have met that special sweetie.
Rest well, handsome boy! You were taken way too soon, but you will be forever loved and never forgotten!
My most heartfelt thoughts and prayers are with you. All of the photos you shared here prove that you will never want for beautiful memories of your Caster. What a wonderful life he lived thanks to you. He will always be with you, until you meet again.
My heart is just breaking, while reading your post. Rest In Peace, Angel Caster. You were loved to the moon and back, and that love will not diminish now that you are in Heaven. Hugs and purrs.
So sorry for the bad news about Caster. Do whatever it takes to live through your grief. My go-to for the death of a beloved kitty is days on the couch crocheting a memorial blanket in their colors and watching “Murder, She Wrote.” Everyone in the cat world knows your loss. You are never alone.
We are so sorry fur your loss. We luv Caster and always have. He will be missed and remembered by many. Sendin’ hugs and purrayers
Luv ya’
Dezi and Raena
I can’t believe this. Such a strong and vibrant boy, gone. He was such a great boy and so handsome.
No words are ever enough but know your words cut me like a knife. I felt my Dash go all over again and I grieve for you and Bobby.
I’m so sorry for your loss of sweet Caster. I vaguely remember seeing on social he was fighting something months back and figured he’d pulled through. Reading your post now about how things transpired leaves me with tears in my eyes, angry for you and tug at my heart. I totally understand from one pet parent to another how your world is just not the same without them. I can totally relate to your feelings of thinking things are on the mend and improving and then in an instant turn around for the worst. I wonder if Caster knew he was ready to cross Rainbow Bridge when he laid ON you to bond and remember the best mama ever. Our furry family members exhibit unusual behaviors at times when they are ill. Please know what you are feeling so many can relate to. Caster had the best parents and siblings ever. I’m so sorry his time was cut short. Sending you only positive vibes and prayers of comfort to help heal your heart.
I saw your IG post and came by to read this. I am so sorry you only had Catster for six short years. He had a wondetful life with you and someday the memories will make you smile not hurt. However long or short we have with our pets, it is always a blessing. Catster will be with you in spirit until you meet again.
I am so very sorry to read about Caster….I know exactly how you feel…you were vigilante with health care and still the unthinkable happens. Yes Caster was too young….purrs and hugs
For over a year we had Madi’s kidney’s under control only to find out w/o any warning her itty bitty heart was giving out. 9/13/18 will be a year and we still miss her so BUT we talk about her every single day. You and Bobby do that it helps…as you talk you realize how much Caster was loved and how much you were loved by Caster.
Hugs Cecilia aka Mom to Diva Madi
I posted about Caster here too
https://blogvillepotp.blogspot.com/
Emily I am so deeply sorry to hear about the loss of our beloved Catster. Each of us who has lost a heart cat understands, and I too so identify with the words you have written, and yes you will feel this for as long as it takes for you to find some degree of closure. It’s so much like a wound healing. A scab forms and it seems to get better, but then boom you hit the scab and it falls off and starts bleeding again and that happens over and over and over again. I am 6 years now post loss of my beloved Abby. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me, but now I accept that her loss will live with me until I am reunited with her. I believe she is waiting for me just right up ahead, a bit further down the road than I am. One thing someone pointed out to me that helped turn a small corner when time was at it’s darkest, each day that passes is one less day that I’ll be with my Abby, and you without your Catster. So when I shifted my view from time taking me away from her to walking me towards her I felt a small shift. It helps. I still count the days, it’s been 2208 days today. I know that is silly too, but I can’t help it. But it’s now 2208 less days I have to go before I see her again. I hope for you a healing, and my best thoughts is just to be gentle with yourself. Catster knew how much love there was and how precious he was to you, and there is comfort in that — one day there will be. Maybe not today nor tomorrow but one day there will be. Take care and just do whatever it is that feels comfortable for you. That is the right path.
I am so sorry to hear abouts Caster. He sounds like he was a beautiful soul, and I know how much you are gonna miss him. Sendin’ lots of {{{hugs}}} and loves your way. Just know that one day soon, you will be able to think of sweet Caster and only smile and not cry. ♥
Kisses,
Ruby ♥
We are so sorry to learn of Caster’s passing. Our hearts are broken along with yours, as it is so clear how much you loved hum, and how much he loved you in return. Sending purrs and prayers, and all good thoughts as you mourn your special mancat. <3
We are so very sorry for your loss. Mum had tears in her eyes as she read this.
He will always be with you.
Sending you purrs and hugs xx
We are so very sorry to learn of Catster’s departure offur the RB, we send oodles of soft purrs and gentle hugs to mew all and know that mew are in our prayers, we will light a special candle for him today at BBHQ and wish him god speed on the next part of his journey XOX
It’s so hard to let them go. We know this pain.
Rest in peace little man. Big healing hugs to your peeps. ♥
Oh, Miss Emily, we were all so sad to hear about your sweet Caster. Even though his life was cut short, he had a wonderful home with you. I think loss is easier for us kitties than you humans but, nonetheless, our hearts are breaking for you. Sending you love and hugs. Christy, Echo, Ocean and mom Ava
I’m so very sorry to learn of the loss of your Caster. Since it was unexpected, I know that makes it harder because I’ve lost some kitties that way over the years. He was a beautiful kitty and your tribute to him is very moving. I hope you can find comfort in good memories.
You are devastated, the two of you, I know. As with many of us in the CB, we have all felt this incredible pain of loss. I send my love and thoughts straight to you as a family. All of us in the CB are holding you tightly and wanting to comfort you.
Katie Isabella
Blogspot
I didn’t know Caster but I recognise all too well the words you have written. The pain feels as if a part of you has been wrenched from you. It will subside with time but never completely go. You think it has lessened but then something happens to bring it all back again.
This is the time you must remember all the good memories you made together. They will help you through the hard times.
My sincere condolences go to you.
Jackie
We were so sad to hear this news today. We all loved following Caster in all his grand adventures and always loved seeing him being so friendly with his family. Thank you so much for sharing these wonderful memories of him from over the years. We had been worried right along with you about his illness but also figured he had many more years of love to give and receive.
It will take time but you will again be able to move forward as the love you had for him and he for you will grow in your heart and overshadow the pain.
Emily, Bob and family we send our heartfelt condolences along with purrs and prayers of support.
Caster fly free little friend and watch over us until that day we all meet again.
Dad Pete, Timmy, Toby, Buddy Budd, Rumpy Bump, Miss Fitz, Einstein and Angel Mr Buttons
And God asked the feline spirit
Are you ready to come home?
Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul
And, as a cat, you know I am most able
To decide anything for myself.
Are you coming then? asked God.
Soon, replied the whiskered angel
But I must come slowly
For my human friends are troubled
For you see, they need me, quite certainly.
But don’t they understand? asked God
That you’ll never leave them?
That your souls are intertwined. For all eternity?
That nothing is created or destroyed?
It just is….forever and ever and ever.
Eventually they will understand,
Replied the glorious cat
For I will whisper into their hearts
That I am always with them
I just am….forever and ever and ever.
I’m so sorry to hear about your sweet Caster. So heartbreaking that he had to go being so young. Though short, he had a wonderful life, loved and cherished. Sending warm hugs to you.
So sorry for your loss of Caster. He definitely made a lasting impression on your family and will be in your hearts forever.
So sorry for your loss. Sending warm hugs, purrs and head bonks your way.
oh Emily I am BEYOND HEARTBROKEN….I just found out and I too, am in COMPLETE SHOCK. Caster was always one of my favorite blogging kitties. I can’t begin to imagine the pain/heartbreak you are all feeling. I am so deeply, deeply sorry. I wish I could bring him back to you. I just don’t have the words. Please know how deeply sorry and heartbroken I am………sending prayers of comfort/strength and love always to all of you. Caster will be deeply, deeply missed and NEVER forgotten.
So sorry of the loss of your beloved Caster? Soft Pawkisses to comfort you?
Fly free beautiful Soul???