It’s been four and a half months since you’ve been gone. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. If I left it in, the pain and anger and heartache are still so fresh and devastating. At the same time though, it seems like it’s been forever since I got to rub your head, hear your roar, look into those beautiful, wild eyes of yours.
Sometimes I just say your name out loud to myself. Caster. Mudgey. Little Mudge. Mudge Man. It seems silly I guess, but I really miss saying your name. That’s one thing on a list of many that I miss. The comfort of feeling you curled up between my knees when I wake up in the middle of the night. Your presence on the bathroom counter when I get ready in the morning. The sound of you sliding down the door frames…
Speaking of door frames, I did some touching up of the walls, door frames, and base boards over the Christmas break. I never really realized how big of a mark you left on this house, quite literally. Every door frame bears scratch marks from where you climbed up them and slid down. You also left a stain on the wall corner in the kitchen from when you would rub against it every day at meal times. I couldn’t bring myself to paint over any of those places. Our door frames may be scratched up, but I don’t care. They will always remind me of you.
That’s a catch-22 though. Memories. I don’t want to think back on all the memories because it hurts too bad. Yet that’s all that’s left. That’s all I have. Trying not to think about you while also trying to hold onto all the memories is a hard line to walk.
I came across this poem online the other day, and it really resonated with how I feel.
“I Only Wanted You”
They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I’d walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.
Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as we are called one by one,
the chain will link again,
–Unknown Author
“I only wanted you.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought that and said it in the last few months. “I just want Caster.” It makes me feel so bratty and childish every time I say it. But it’s the truth.
Christmas was hard this year. It’s usually my favorite time of year. It seemed like a cruel joke this year though. Last Christmas we were celebrating your seemingly miraculous recovery from your mystery illness. It was a Christmas miracle! But this year I was having to hang your stocking and put your paw print ornament on the tree, knowing they were just going to be constant reminders of your absence. I couldn’t bring myself to leave your stocking off the mantle though.
Today is the 6th anniversary of the day I found you in woods behind our old apartment building – your “birthday.” That is probably one of the most vivid memories I have. It’s such a great one. I know I will carry it with me forever. Just as I’ll carry you with me forever.
What I would give to live that moment again… To see you one more time…
Happy Birthday, Caster. I miss you. I love you.
Awww, its so hard, when we miss our furry ones so much…sometimes I just want Minko back, too, or MJF…
Happy Birthday in Kitty Heaven, Caster. You will never be forgotten, its impossible. You are loved and cherished forever.
Sending huge hugs.
(((((((((( ♥ ))))))))))
My heart aches so much for you. And reading this makes my human miss her soul cat, Harlot, who passed away in February 2002. But sometimes the pain is as real as it was 18 years ago.
Happy Birthday sweet Angel and hugs to your Mom from all of us. We understand.
I am so very sorry. Hang his stocking, put his ornament on the tree…..he will always be a part of the family, always. He is your angel and watches over you, he’ll leave you signs every once in a while to let you know. Happy Heaven Birthday, Caster. Rest well, beautiful boy!
What sweet memories of a lovely cat. But we wish he was here too. Happy Birthday, Caster!
It’s just not fair. He was unique. We can still celebrate the day your lives were joined and ensure his memory.
My heart aches for you. But you WILL be together again one day. Hold on to that thought.
Tears are rolling here again just reading this. I feel your pain and how much you miss Caster. I still didn’t throw away the cardboard lounger that Earl Grey used to sit on and wait with the rest of the gang to be fed. I look at it sometimes and say his name, “Earl Grey” as if he will suddenly appear. It’s so hard when they leave us and I hope someday your memories of your beautiful Caster with his beautiful large wild eyes will comfort you and the pain diminish. Sending love to you xx
What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful cat. Purrs.
The pain never really goes away. We just learn how to endure it a wee bit better. I don’t think of all my angels everyday, except Fiona, but everyday something reminds me of one or more of our angels. It is always bittersweet. Remember what a gift those six years were! Sending lots of love and hugs, Janet
Astrid sends Sampy bushels of love and kisses.
My heart and prayers are with you. Just lost one of my babies Monday. All I can do is focus on believing he’ll greet me when my time comes.
I can so relate what you are going through…what you are feeling. Days like this…birthdays…are difficult. Memories sometimes just aren’t enough…you want one more touch, one more look in those precious eyes. Sending you a big hug…and much love.
Sending you hugs as you remember your sweet boy on his birthday. XO
Hugs and purrs on this tearful remembrance day.
What a gorgeous kitty Angel Caster was!
Sending much love and gentle purrs as you remember your sweet Angel Caster.
With Muffin so freshly gone and Jack still embedded deep in my broken heart, I read that through tears and oh that is ever so true.. If love could have kept them here..
The loss of a dear fur friend is something that cuts us deep in our hearts. They have given so much over the years and we do our best for them and love them back with all we can muster. When one leaves too soon and before their time it the pain seems worse and we always second guess what we may have done. The truth is we did all we could and that was love them totally and unconditionally which they know. We believe they are watching over us and that we will be reunited when our time comes. Purrs and prayers of support in your sadness
You’re described exactly how I felt when I lost my first cat Lucy in 2015. She’s forever left her paw prints on my heart; just like Casper has on yours. Many hugs!